After Trauma: Dear Girl, There is Nothing Wrong With You When Everything Feels Wrong With You

It's natural to mourn trauma has an impact on your body and mind, and you're changed in some way you don't like. But YOU are not damaged goods just because your body and mind need healing after trauma.

Maybe it's because it's a rainy day, or it's been generally gloomy for a few days, who knows. But I've noticed a pattern in the recent years; rainy days often naturally trigger my mind to reflect. But it's more depressing than inspiring, truthfully, because the default seems to be reminiscing on previous traumas, and what rubble it has left behind. Not a fan.

Yet, God has been so faithful to take me so far in bringing healing to my soul in the last few years. This, however, does not change the fact that the painful events occurred and have left some sort of effect and mark on my earthly body and mind.

I recall a few years after a particular trauma had passed, still feeling the weight of it each time something reminded me of the event. My body would tense, heart would race erratically, tears would well up in my eyes, alertness overcame me. "Ugh, this again? But I've come so far in overcoming that! What is wrong with me!"

It's entirely understandable that while God is restoring our souls, our body would still feel the effects of the broken, sin-filled world we live in. One day, in Heaven, our bodies will be freed of such earthly weight. But for now, I can't pretend that my body and mind have not been changed by the trauma I've endured.

And it's easy for the next step of this process to be this; a core belief begin implanting itself into the mind that shouts; "There's something wrong with me. Perhaps everything is wrong with me!"

Why did everything feel wrong? Because this trauma had changed me into a different person I didn't like.

Once outgoing and confident, I now was soooo anxious in groups and the need to recharge completely away from the whole world more than ever before. Once brave amidst fear, now entirely overwhelmed and (annoyingly) emotional when scariness showed up. I felt I had no control over my life or world and was subject to whatever trauma would come next.

Through prayer and journaling, and conversations with my husband, God revealed a couple things to me. First one, was a hard truth to swallow, yet was required to work through to get to the second truth. One; I needed to own up to the fact that I had allowed this trauma to determine trusting God with my future. I was so afraid of getting hurt again, that I felt it was in my hands to prevent it from happening again. Scripture makes it clear God is in control and sovereign over all; not me. This core belief had to be rectified unto Christ.

The second truth was this; there is nothing wrong with me when everything feels wrong with me, simply because trauma has impacted my body and mind. At face and most simplest value (*sets aside emotions the best I can for a quick sec*), that's the main point. Of course my body and mind will bear the scars of the wounds of earth, and can (and do!) impact me.

But I am not damaged goods because of that.

That was the untangling that was needed.

And here's the thing. The ways this trauma changed me are not sinful unless I let them be so.

It is not sinful to be a bit more introverted, and to be more of a listener than a talker, as long as I do what I know I ought to do is right, even if it requires me to step out of my comfort zone for a bit (James 4:17). It is not sinful to need to recharge alone so I can be in community ready to engage and be fully present, as long as I don't neglect meeting with the Church altogether consistently (Hebrews 10:23-24). It is not sinful that my body freaks out and tenses up and feels like a tying knot in anxious situations; it is only something to acknowledge, and notice. I've learned to listen to my body, but not let my body be the driver in my life. My heart is ruled by Christ, not past traumas. Trauma may trigger my body and mind to react one way, but my heart decides who is in charge; and for me, that's Jesus. My body may feel ruled by trauma, but my heart will be ruled by the peace of Christ (Colossians 3:15).

Dear girl; after trauma, when it feels like everything is wrong with you, I want you to know that because pain and suffering have impacted your body and mind, doesn't mean YOU are damaged. When your mind is telling you how crazy you are to be feeling this, let me be the first to say, there is nothing wrong with YOU. God sees you, cares about your pain, and if you're a follower of Jesus, your identity as His daughter has never wavered amidst trauma's earthly impact.

So today, on this rainy day, it's okay to feel sadness that I'm not who I was before trauma. The same is true for your life. Let this Scripture gently wash over you; Psalm 23:1-3; "The Lord is my shepherd. I have what I need. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He renews my life; He leads me along the right paths for His name's sake. Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff---they comfort me" (CSB).

Thank You, God, that You provide true rest and renew life out of Your goodness.